I seem to have the great ability to attract men that live far away from me. Over the years, I’ve gone back and forth between allowing them to visit me.
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For a very long time, I had fairly low self-esteem. I felt pretty comfortable with all the pictures that I posted online (through which I met the majority of these men). But, I never felt attractive in-person. I could flirt all day, every-day online, but when it came to meeting in person, I’d do anything in my power to make sure that it didn’t happen. I’d make up excuses about having to work, being sick, or having a family emergency come up. The real reasons I didn’t want them to visit was because
- What if they want to have sex? What will they think of me if I don’t want to? Will they be mad they drove all this way?
- What if they think I’m awkward or too quiet?
- What if they were disappointed in my appearance? Did I really look like my pictures?
All of these thoughts floated in my head. For some, I overcame them and took the plunge to let them come to visit me. Below is an overview of what occurred for just a few of these dates.
B from Columbus: It was December 2016. We had been talking for about a month and a half and decided to meet for the first time on New Year’s Eve. We went to Bar Louie, had drinks, and celebrated with the rest of the people in the bar. He walked me to my car and surprised me with a stuffed panda (which I still have). We kissed for a while and he said we should go back to my place. Reason number one crept in. He came all this way. Should I let him come over? Would we have sex? Is sex all he wanted? I’ll never know because I declined his suggestion and went to visit my parents instead. I never heard from him again.
J from Philadelphia: This one was a doozy. I met J on Tinder. He was older, intelligent, and fairly attractive. He was also battling cancer. I decided to let him visit me because he had been a good friend and I wanted to be a better friend to him. So he drove from Philadelphia, got us a hotel room, and even brought me presents (chocolate, champagne, flowers, etc). After spending an hour or two with him, I quickly realized that I felt awkward and uncomfortable around him. I realized I wanted to leave but felt bad and stayed for much longer than I should have. Long story short – I left, he cried, and I felt terrible.
While these incidents emphasis what could have gone wrong, what or who could I have missed out on because I was too afraid to try?
Since these incidents, my self-esteem has risen tremendously. I am a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, hard-working, creative, ambitious, sexy, and worthy of love on my own terms. #BlackGirlMagic
However, I don’t always feel that way and still struggle from time to time with my self-esteem. But, these hang-ups melted away when I met Chris. I met Chris through Tinder while I was on vacation in Washington D.C. I told him that I actually lived in Ohio, but we still decided to continue talking. That was back in August. We talked about meeting in person for months before it actually happened. Earlier this month, he came to visit me. I had no fears about meeting him because through the short time that we had been communicating, he constantly put me at ease (most of the time without even knowing it). That didn’t change when we met. I felt an instant comfort and affection for and from him. While we’re not officially together, I am grateful every day for his presence in my life.
I know what it feels like to be stuck in self-limiting beliefs and fearing what others may think of you. Even though it may not feel like it right now, you ARE beautiful and you ARE worthy. Don’t sacrifice your ability to live your life the way that you want. You may miss out on opportunities that will change you for the better.
If you want to work towards getting rid of your these beliefs and fears and finally live your life without judgment, I am here for you. Stay tuned!
Briana Hollis is a licensed social worker and self-care coach. She earned her Master of Science in Social Administration from Case Western Reserve University in 2014 and her Master of Education from Tiffin University in 2019. She has spent the last 5 years working in crisis intervention. Her passion for serving others is the heart of this site. She started Learning To Be Free to assist others in bringing freedom to their lives.